We have to have one of these dealios to explain how we comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because God knows there aren’t enough actual interesting things in the world to read, and you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
Also we don’t really know what these things are. We’re just one editor who keeps saying “we” because she might have other people on the team someday, who thought she’d have a laugh and maybe inspire people to be silly with her.
Short Words (Stolen by a Short Person)
We’re a tiny, overstretched business and we don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that we’re not evil–we’re as corruptible as anyone–we’re just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.
We collect and store the info we need to provide you with the service you buy from us. We occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts, but not very often because they charge a lot of money to get a post seen by like 20 people. That’s really it.
Stalky Visitor Tracking
Look, we’re following you, ok? We use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real-time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people are looking at so we can write more of the stuff you like.
We also have a contact form so that we can sell you services. Yes you heard it. We are a business and–shocker–we want you to spend money with us. The contact form means that we can respond to you when you initiate it, something you probably want us to do.
Neither of these things store any super personal data about you, but probably they nab your IP address, not that we’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE WRITING.
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A ton of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. We store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
Here on this website!
If you register with the site we will store your name and email address. If you comment on our posts, we will also store your name and email address, unless you comment through Discus or Facebook, in which case, we will not STORE your profile information, but your identity on our site will be linked to your profile. We obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only one person has access to it. She literally never looks at it unless she needs to solve any technical problems you might have.
We’ll be honest: we do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. We use your interaction history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. For e.g. if you buy a manuscript critique, we’ll occasionally ask you if you want editing services. If you’ve used our editing services, we’ll occasionally ask you if you have a new manuscript. Does that make us EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?
We literally don’t sign you up for our newsletter unless you click the link that says “Sign up for our newsletter!” in which case, your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp, which is the system we use to manage our newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.
Because you email about your books and stuff. And then we write to you about those books. Gmail is GDPR compliant. You can read about the ways they protect your data here.
Okay, here’s where it gets to the nitty-gritty. If you sign a contract with me, I collect your name and address and also the signature which you have provided…because you signed the contract. I keep a password-protected copy of that on my laptop. My laptop never leaves the house, and I have garden gnomes protecting my house, so no one will get to it. In the event of a data breach, I will notify you in a timely manner and take full responsibility. For example, if my cat accidentally glances at my laptop whilst I am reading your contract, I will bop his nose and say “Bad Mr. Fatpaws.” I will post shaming photos of him on Instagram. He is sorry. He just likes the heat of the laptop. I also solemnly swear that I will not try to learn your handwriting or practice your signature.
Email Marketing Thingies and Newsletters
If you sign up to our newsletter, we will send you a newsletter–generally around one per year because we have literally only sent one newsletter out ever, to our all of six subscribers, but we may increase that to three or four or even twelve per year. When and if that happens, you are free to unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp.
Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link WE KNOW. If you open an email WE KNOW. If you ignore us reminding you to be writing WE KNOW.
The most important thing about this is we have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
Your Right to be Deleted
FINE BYE, I DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck us an email at email@example.com and we’ll delete all the info we have on you from our systems while having a passive-aggressive huff about what we could have possibly done wrong.
If you have signed on for an editing project, we cannot the communication history related to the project or destroy our signed contracts and manuscripts because the taxman will be terribly upset.
Social Media and all that Bollocks
We use social media a lot, partly to promote our services but mostly as a vehicle for our linguistic shenanigans and grammar debates. If you talk to us on our Facebook page and we become familiar with you, we might find you on Twitter and say hello. You can ask us to be less friendly if you wish and we will of course respect your boundaries.
You are not required to follow our social media accounts.
Got it? Read it? Done it? WELL, CONGRATULATIONS! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.
Then, shoot them an email to share in the lols: firstname.lastname@example.org.
THAT’S ALL THERE IS!
THERE AIN’T NO MORE!
So what are you still reading for?